Accommogeddon is only the beginning

Maken Eetup, cardboard box correspondent for The Linc, gives his take on the accommodation situation in the city.

Scientists have long wondered if it was possible to create a location that would make the infamous Danesgate House look luxurious. It seemed unlikely, but as around 200 students start their new lives in car park based portacabins, Satan has been alleged to have claimed: “It’s a little bit nippy down here.”

While it might look bad for the cabins to sit opposite a brand new Engineering Hub, that could only be afforded thanks to sponsorship from Siemens: and however desperate the university might be for housing, nobody wants that branding on their home. The residents have been through enough as it is.


Despite the name, it might be tricky to get a festival feeling for the freshers in cabins. Photo: Jonathan Cresswell

Much criticism has been made of the name Festival Gardens, although due to the smell of excrement, cans of alcohol everywhere and steps up to raised cabins, the housing does accurately represent the atmosphere and look of festival toilets.

The naming is part of a wider university scheme to rebrand aspects to appear more “hip and cool, yo” including changing the name of lectures to gigs, seminar rooms will be known as the Alternative Stage and handing in assignments will be queuing for tickets.

Food at the university will not be changed, as it is already close enough to festival prices.

Despite being described as “comfortable”, you’d be forgiven for thinking that the summer rioters are getting a better deal as at least at their imprisonment they don’t have to pay £55 a week for meals.

To make the stay more comfortable, a lounge has been created in the Architecture Building to sit around and watch TV, but rumours suggest this was just done as a cruel joke as nobody has found it yet. This is due to the fact that the three time winner of the Ironic Naming Awards building can only be navigated by using a game of Snakes and Ladders as a map.

Although Kevin McCloud might have turned down a chance to document the architectural delights of Festival Gardens, Lincoln may get a chance to increase its film heritage as sequels to “The Great Escape” and “District 9” are expected to film on site. One TV camera crew turned up after seeing pictures of the site although soon realised they were supposed to be filming at Dale Farm.

Concerns have been raised about the mental wellbeing of the residents, as one said: “I got cabin fever it’s burning in my brain, I’ve got cabin fever it’s driving me insane,” although he may just have been a fan of the film “Muppets Treasure Island”.

While the scale of the problem has been a surprise to many, the low amount and sometimes lower quality of accommodation in the city over the last few years has been like watching questionable waste hurled up towards a ceiling fan in slow motion until the accommogeddon finally hit.

As official standards and those of common decency get thrown out the window, even local supermarkets are applying for their stock of cardboard boxes to be registered as approved accommodation in time for Christmas.

But, however cramped the rooms or however damp the ceiling is, just remember the most important thing. At least you’re not paying nine grand a year for it for the privilege of this experience.

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